Wednesday, August 11, 2010

10 Signs You’re A Movie Snob


Admitting you’re a pretentious fussbudget is the first step.
By: John DeVore
08/09/2010 11:00 am

Movie fans love taking about movies. They will passionately defend that flick about teen vampires on antidepressants or boldly admit that the one where everyone is dreaming put them to sleep. These post-movie debates happen all the time at bars, on couches, and over the Internet. Sometimes the arguments can get heated, but its all part of the fun.

And then there are the pompous hens known as movie snobs. These precious little tyrants wring all the joy out of any movie they see. To movie snobs, flicks are guilty of sucking until proven awesome. Their sarcasm is just wit wearing diapers and their tastes are as fickle as a spoiled prince. Even when they embrace a movie, they strangle it with fawning adjectives and overwrought hosannas.

Are you a movie snob? Because we’re here to help. If you recognize any of these signs in yourself, we recommend watching Bruce Willis’ 1997 epic Armageddon and drinking a bathtub of margaritas.

1. You’re really proud of your obscure movie references

Todd Solondz is the new Luis Buñuel? Really? You don’t think that Solondz is more of an adolescent provocateur than... oh who cares. Movie snobs bully with memorized movie trivia and esoteric references to movies they don’t understand. Don’t use Godard’s name in vain.

2. You don't watch a movie; you stalk, jump, and wear it like a bloody hide

Most movie snobs have reviewed a movie six months before it opens. By the time a movie is released, movie snobs have clucked over casting announcements, scrutinized leaked set pictures, and dissected multiple trailers. They judge the parts, not the sum.

3. You confuse high art with elitist group think

Many of the greatest works of art were actually quite popular. Yes, that means “popular,” can be “good.” In fact, one can argue, that great art doesn’t just communicate something about life to a select few, but to the whole human mess. We don’t want to be part of your secret boys-only club anyway.

4. You hate every movie you see

Not only do you hate most movies, but you hate them intensely, as if the movies themselves killed your father. George Lucas didn’t personally create the character of Jar-Jar Binks specifically to ruin your childhood, you know. Sometimes, when you rage, you look like The Hulk with a beret.

5. You Went To Film School

That’s not anyone’s fault but your own. Don’t take it out on us.

6. You have a 10,000 word blog piece about Synecdoche, New York

Is it really that good a movie? Isn’t Synecdoche, New York just a fascinating failure that proves Michel Gondry should direct every Charlie Kaufman movie? Don’t have an aneurysm, this is just an opinion. Opinions are disposable, like potato chips.

7. You proudly call yourself a “film snob”

Oh jeepers, why are you so proud of that? Is there such a thing as a “Prometheus Complex,” where a person feels compelled to enlighten all of humanity? Look, fine, David Cronenberg’s Existenz was smarter than The Matrix. Isn’t it possible to like both? No? You don’t have to be bitchy about it, Golden Girl.

8. You talk about movies like a talk radio host

Talking to a movie snob about a movie is like talking about politics to a fire breathing political partisan. The discussion starts “But I kind of liked…” and your response is “SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP.” Talking about movies isn’t a bloodsport.

9. Your favorite movies are all the movies you watched in college.

Wasn’t college, like, five years ago? Ten? Why are you still talking about Clockwork Orange, Gummo, Eraserhead, Rushmore, and Audition? Those are all perfectly fine movies, but perhaps we can talk about a recent movie you enjoyed? What did you think of Avatar?

10. No one wants to go to the movies with you

Funny how everyone is busy when you invite them to go to the movies. And there are multiple reasons for this. Number one: you yelled at a friend because she thought the sequel to The Terminator was The Terminators. Number two: you’re an insufferable movie snob.

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