Khatron Ke Khiladi dangerous for your brain

*my review*

Bollywood stars begin their annual jaunts to TV and first up on the tube is Priyanka Chopra. In the first of a series of mind-numbing television misadventures still to come (Salman with Big Boss, Akki Kumar with Masterchef, Amitabh Bachchan on KBC.... ), we begin with Khatron Ke Khiladi, the desi version of the slightly less awful Fear Factor. Here a femme fatale replaces the dumb oaf of a comedian otherwise known as Joe Rogan. Yes guys, someone did it before Akshay Kumar, as if you were surprised anyway.

We commence with Priyanka Chopra talking as a quote filched from Franklin D. Roosevelt flashes on the screen - the "only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Well played, Mr. Director. A sprinkling of intellectualism to decorate what is likely to be a pile of garbage, a technique otherwise "perfected" (geddit?) by a certain Aamir Khan.

Off we begin with glamorous shots of Priyanka Chopra walking sexily wearing leather, riding a motorcyle, and shot from far enough away for a stuntwoman to replace her. She then again poses sexily in front of yellow helicopter (!!!) while taking 5.4 seconds to introduce 13 D-listers consisting of television celebs and players of sports nobody cares about like rugby and squash. Next up, 13 random girls are brought on as individual cheerleaders for the men. Way to be sexist, Colors. Eyeroll.


First stunt has something to with swimming in 6 degrees Celsius water while a fire rages on top and grabbing some weight tied up under the water. Bizarrely, they've chosen to set it at nighttime when you can barely see what's happening! I suspect match-fixing.

Guy No.1: dips into the water in Speedos. Seriously dude, you can't wear shorts? After almost showing off the family jewels, takes a teeny dip in the water, and then runs back out refusing to do the stunt.

Guy No.2: grabs 1 weight

Guy No.3: grabs 2 weights

Guy No.4: Ooh I recognize fat comedian Cyrus Broacha. He stumbles, bumbles, dives in and out and gets no weights. Then he accuses the show of being cheaters. Hah. The guy is funny and courageous for telling what's bound to be the truth. Pay him more, I demand it!

Guy No.5: Water, fire, random speedos, this is already getting repetitive. These have to be the worst cheerleaders on earth. I haven't heard more than a monotone "yay" out of them yet. And oh yeah, this dude also didn't accomplish anything.

Guy No.6: crush of 13 year old serial watching girls, Karan Singh Grover. We get a small video clip of him telling us how handsome he is and signing off with a wink. So smarmy. Btw, for those paying attention, he was a contestant on some dance show and began cheating on his wife with the choreographer. Then cheated on the choreographer with a D-list television serial actress. Yes, I know too much and I'm aware of this sad reality. How many weights did he get? I'm not sure; I was too busy listing his history of infidelity. :P

Guy No.7: Pretentious actor Rahul Bose bores even here. Priyanka continues reading off the teleprompter with no sign of axons firing anywhere in her brain or nervous system.

Guy No.8: Doesn't this seem too high a number? I can no longer keep track. Anonymous mermaid picks up 5 weighs. Wouldn't it be fun if someone tossed Piggy into the water and then made her read the teleprompter while shivering and her teeth chattering? It would animate her from the mannequin she is currently.

Guy 9: Director of Rock On. I didn't know his career would "dive" so much. Hehe. Okay, sorry for poor joke. At least his speedo is not as scarily revealing as the first guy's. Hahahaha, back-up divers have to jump in and save him from the water. This, my friend, is called schadenfreude! Well-deserved slap from the universe for foisting Farhan Aktar's singing on us.

Guy 10: Ice-cream break for me. Sorry Guy 10.

Boy 11: 18 year old Sardar kid from Oye Lucky. He swims with his turban on! I had no idea they did that. I was wondering the whole show what he would do in the water. Priyanka reads the teleprompter "Chak de phatte, chak de phatte." Oye, this is painful. Poor kiddo also has to be rescued by divers but at least he can claim young age. I like him already for not wearing Speedos.

Guy 12: Dino Morea gets another job, albeit television job, after Pyar Impossible. It must be Movies Impossible now.

Guy 13: I feel the clock of my life ticking away. When are they going to eat spiders and worms and live grasshoppers? No fun!! I have now watched over an hour of one human after another jumping into water and swimming the same 2 meters again and again friggin' 13 times!! 13!! And I didn't even get to see Rahul Bose being forced to eat cockroaches!! EPIC FAIL.

Family Jewels (aka first Speedo Guy) gets sent home for being a scaredy cat and running out of the water. I get to turn off the show and if you are smarter than me, you will not even turn it on to begin with.