We are Hacks

DHARMA PRODUCTIONS OFFICE

CIRCA 2009

While designing men’s fashion, hosting TV shows, and throwing parties, KARAN JOHAR had a few hours extra one day when despite frequent calls and texts to SRK, he remained uninvited to Mannat.

He had the brilliant idea to use this bonus time wisely and summoned a lackey.  Appeared SIDDHARTH MALHOTRA-

SID: You called, Sir?

KJo: Sid, it’s time for Dharma to venture out. To make an impact on the world. To show what we’re made of. We at Dharma are always forging ahead.

SID: You are right, KJo. Your MNIK is going to save Islam. You are the finest director in India. You are also the best dressed and you are also thin now.

KJo: That is true. My time is very valuable indeed. That is why you should make our next film for us. I will only produce.

JOHAR and MALHOTRA excitedly begin a brainstorming session. Suddenly MALHOTRA has a light bulb blink in his head-

SID: I’ve got it. I know what’s next. After loving your family, loving gays, loving others’ wives, we will take the next illustrious step, loving your souten. Voila.

KJo: You make me proud. You have learned well. Let’s get to work.

SID: Let’s make both women live together.

KJo: How is that possible? We only want realistic, subtle stories here at Dharma. Okay, let’s give one of them cancer. The other one can move in to help her.

SID: By golly, you are a genius, KJo. How did you come up with something so amazing?

KJo: I have been thinking of this for 20 years, Sid.

SID: But now I recall seeing something like this before. I can’t remember exactly. Oh yeah, there is that Hollywood movie Stepmom!

KJo: * GASP *

SID: Who cares, let’s just make it. Who will notice.

KJo: Not after getting sued for It's Raining Men. * harrumphs *  They frighten me, Sid. We will buy the remake rights.

SID: Genius, I say.

KJo: We need to Indianize the story for our audience, Sid. This is extremely important.

SID: Of course, Of course.  I’ve got the perfect plan.  Let’s shoot it in Australia and have the actors driving Lexus SUVs and living in big awesome looking homes.

KJo: * gets misty-eyed * I knew I did the right thing hiring you. 

SID: How will we start it?

KJo: With the New York skyline, Of course. I mean, Sydney skyline, of course.

SID: Who will play the stepmom?

KJo: There is only one answer to this.

SID: What is it?

KJo: Kareena Kapoor, in the role of a lifetime. Just like Yash Chopra, I too will bring real life into reel. He portrayed the Rekha-Amitabh affair so perfectly.  I will portray Kareena as stepmom to Saifu’s kids.

SID: You mean I will, right?

KJo: Sure sure, you will. You will have to maintain the dignity, style and success I have brought to Dharma. How will you do that?

SID: I can hire Kajol? Then I will show her standing on cliffs and fields with her hair blowing, arms crossed, crying, just like in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai.  We can have the sidey hero posing on boats and harbors with a scarf blowing, just like SRK in Kal Ho Na Ho. How about a big party song like Rock & Roll Soniye? After Pretty Woman, we can go for Jail House Rock!!

KJo: * rubs his head * Darn it, more rights to buy.

SID: *now in a hyper state * Next we need to show some secular religion. Like a Hindu girl reading the Koran.  Did I mention I love Kuch Kuch Hota Hair, KJo? We can show the whole family praying in a church, with candles! So classy.  

JOHAR summons his team of SEVEN writers. They put the Stepmom script through Google Translation and soon they are ready with the Hindi version.  JOHAR still doesn’t look satisfied-

SID: What’s wrong?

KJo: This is missing something. 

SID: I don’t think we can add SRK in this, KJo.  We will get some Arjun Rampal type.

KJo: What about a SRK cameo? Can we make him dance to something?

SID: We’ll see about it later.  Let’s add some fresh touches to this script. You know, it was made in 1998 for Goras. We are Indian. * sneers *

WRITER NO.1:  Let’s change Kareena’s profession from a photographer. I will make her a fashion designer.

KJo: Now you’re talking! Can we make her wear Dolce and Gabbana? I hear gladiator sandals are really in and HAWT.

WRITER NO.2: The cute daughter should say cute things about fairies and princesses and witches.

WRITER NO.3: Bingo!

WRITER NO.4: We will change the end to be more dramatic and more awesome and Indian.  In the old one, the mom just dies and movie ends. How boring is that? We will show the kids all grown up and shown to miss their mother. What an impact it will make.

WRITER NO.5: Not to mention the awards Kareena and Arjun will get from aging their characters so much on screen.  Kareena will look old when we put her in a sari and Arjun can have a beard for that scene!

KJo: This sari will be Manish Malhotra, right? I am kattie with Sabyasachi right now.

SID: I think kids should say good-bye to Mom before she dies. But more dramatically.  With everyone crying loudly and a single tear artfully dripping out of their eyes.

WRITER NO.5: How about we do it like on a stage? With a spotlight and computer slideshow as Kajol sits in a wheelchair. We can make the whole screen dark and give dramatic spotlights and music as each character says good-bye. 

 

WRITER NO.6: Uh, what family is going to put on a stage-show to say good-bye to someone? That too in darkness with spotlights following each family member?

WRITER NO.7: Shush. You need to improve your caliber and taste if you want to work in Dharma. Don’t you know it’s an ode to Dil to Pagal Hai? Remember that whole stage show bit in the end? This is a new twist. Learned from the greats like Yash Chopra.  Brush up on your skills.

WRITER NO. 6: * thoroughly dressed down * You are right, of course. My bad.

SID: Whoohooo!! We are done. Now all we need is an Indianized title.

WRITER NO. 2: How about Parivaar? What about Khaandaan? Souteli Ma?

KJO: *getting furious * How dare you.  Have you not noticed the CLASS of our recent titles? My Name is Khan. I Hate Love Stories. Wake Up Sid.  We don’t make B grade films for small towns. We are high-class.

WRITER NO.2: Oh you mean an English title, my mistake. I will work harder next time.  * slinks away *

SID: I’ve got it!! Inspiration has struck me once again. We will call it We are Family.  Then we can include hindi version of the Sister Sledge song. * stars singing * We are familllyyyyyyy, I got all my sistersssssss with meeeeeee.

KJo: Perfect title but ditch the song. I am not buying any more rights!

JOHAR’S PHONE SUDDENLY RINGS AS HE WISHES INTENSELY FOR IT TO BE SRK.  ALAS….

KJo: Okay, okay, I’m coming home, Mom. Will you stop bothering me? I’m not 5 years old anymore.  Fine, I’m coming home. Yes, I’ll bring some milk to drink with my dinner.  Do we have chocolate syrup?

*la fin*