The BEST REVIEW OF KITES (or any movie) to date

Indian-Mexican Bhelpuri with Salsa Sauce!
May 26, 2010 11:21 IST

Kites received so many mixed reviews that we decided to ask you, our dear readers, to give us your take on the Hrithik Roshan-Barbara Mori starrer.

After sifting through many entries, we decided to go with this unique 'review' of the movie sent in by reader Prakash Gowda from Vadodara, Gujarat. Here's his hilarious take. Enjoy!

Kites: Recipe to make Indian-Mexican Bhelpuri with Salsa Sauce

Preparation time: 2 years
Cooking time: 2 hours (which seem equivalent to the duration of preparation time)
Serving: 400 + (depending upon the seating capacity of multiplex)
Chef: Anurag Basu [ Images ]

Ingredients:
1 teaspoon Hrithik Roshan [ Images ]
1 teaspoon Barbara Mori [ Images ]
¼ teaspoon Anand Tiwari oil
1 teaspoon Nick Brown Red Chilli Powder
1 teaspoon Kabir Bedi [ Images ] corn flour
1 teaspoon Kangna Ranaut [ Images ]
Salt to waste.

For Salsa dip and tamarind chutney:

5 cups of Rakesh Roshan [ Images ] tunes
5 teaspoons of Nasir Faraaz and Asif Ali Beg lyrics, Ayananka Bose cinematography.

Method:

Heat Hrithik in a fry pan of dance floor. Add salt of Kangna Ranaut. Once brown from sunburn from Mexican desert, keep Hrithik aside to cool in flashbacks, while a cellphone is charging (in the bargain, you too get ample of time to pick up your cellphone and play games, send SMSes to your friends and warning them of the Kites experience).

Well, where were we? Yeah, now pour some cold water over Hrithik to wash off Kangna salt. Now add piping hot Barbara Mori to it and leave them to simmer. Add the friendly Anand Tiwari oil and let it burn till it disappears.

Once Hrithik and Barbara start steaming, as you can already predict, add Nick Brown chilli powder. Leave Hrithik and Barbara to get brown with sunburn again in the Mexican desert. Keep pouring Salsa dip and Tamarind chutney to prevent them from burning too much. Sprinkle some Kabir Bedi corn flour for thick consistency.

Whenever confused, just add Nick Brown chilli powder whenever Hrithik and Barbara begin to sizzle -- it's the chef's secret, you know. Once you're assured of the fact that the recipe is going nowhere, throw Barbara out of the window and Hrithik will follow.

Serve hot with the flame of marketing and if required, add some spice of gossip stating how great this recipe has been received worldwide.

You are now ready with Kites -- a sure-shot way of making money, after making people realize that they are one of the victims of being allured by foreign Barbaric Mori and desi Free-kick Roshan, and suffering the torture called Bites... oops! Kites. I am one of them, left with a sour aftertaste.

LINK

The BEST REVIEW OF KITES (or any movie) to date

Indian-Mexican Bhelpuri with Salsa Sauce!
May 26, 2010 11:21 IST

Kites received so many mixed reviews that we decided to ask you, our dear readers, to give us your take on the Hrithik Roshan-Barbara Mori starrer.

After sifting through many entries, we decided to go with this unique 'review' of the movie sent in by reader Prakash Gowda from Vadodara, Gujarat. Here's his hilarious take. Enjoy!

Kites: Recipe to make Indian-Mexican Bhelpuri with Salsa Sauce

Preparation time: 2 years
Cooking time: 2 hours (which seem equivalent to the duration of preparation time)
Serving: 400 + (depending upon the seating capacity of multiplex)
Chef: Anurag Basu [ Images ]

Ingredients:
1 teaspoon Hrithik Roshan [ Images ]
1 teaspoon Barbara Mori [ Images ]
¼ teaspoon Anand Tiwari oil
1 teaspoon Nick Brown Red Chilli Powder
1 teaspoon Kabir Bedi [ Images ] corn flour
1 teaspoon Kangna Ranaut [ Images ]
Salt to waste.

For Salsa dip and tamarind chutney:

5 cups of Rakesh Roshan [ Images ] tunes
5 teaspoons of Nasir Faraaz and Asif Ali Beg lyrics, Ayananka Bose cinematography.

Method:

Heat Hrithik in a fry pan of dance floor. Add salt of Kangna Ranaut. Once brown from sunburn from Mexican desert, keep Hrithik aside to cool in flashbacks, while a cellphone is charging (in the bargain, you too get ample of time to pick up your cellphone and play games, send SMSes to your friends and warning them of the Kites experience).

Well, where were we? Yeah, now pour some cold water over Hrithik to wash off Kangna salt. Now add piping hot Barbara Mori to it and leave them to simmer. Add the friendly Anand Tiwari oil and let it burn till it disappears.

Once Hrithik and Barbara start steaming, as you can already predict, add Nick Brown chilli powder. Leave Hrithik and Barbara to get brown with sunburn again in the Mexican desert. Keep pouring Salsa dip and Tamarind chutney to prevent them from burning too much. Sprinkle some Kabir Bedi corn flour for thick consistency.

Whenever confused, just add Nick Brown chilli powder whenever Hrithik and Barbara begin to sizzle -- it's the chef's secret, you know. Once you're assured of the fact that the recipe is going nowhere, throw Barbara out of the window and Hrithik will follow.

Serve hot with the flame of marketing and if required, add some spice of gossip stating how great this recipe has been received worldwide.

You are now ready with Kites -- a sure-shot way of making money, after making people realize that they are one of the victims of being allured by foreign Barbaric Mori and desi Free-kick Roshan, and suffering the torture called Bites... oops! Kites. I am one of them, left with a sour aftertaste.

LINK

A grand opera or Kati Patang? KITES!

A film like Kites can really be reviewed at two levels. Is it indeed a crossover film that strikes most of the right notes, or is it mushy 3 penny romance masquerading as a grand opera? The film was two years in the making and came to us carrying HUGE expectations. Hrithik was on an all time high, not having had a misstep since 2002 (Mujhse Dosti Karoge). I think one can discount Main Prem Ki Diwani Hoon (2003) as he also had a mammoth Koi Mil Gaya that year. But the law of averages looks to have finally caught up with him. In an attempt to create a cross-over film, the Roshan combine has created something that is neither chalk nor cheese and is dull and boring into the bargain.

How does one review Kites? Should I talk about the fact that a film that is supposed to be foreign pasta and not desi biriyani, fails to take into account the fact that Las Vegas is a desert and it almost never rains there, that there is no ocean with reefs withing any reasonable radius of the city, the Mexico is FAR FAR away, that it is OK for movies like Singh is KINGG to show Melbourne being run by the Sikh mafia, but a crossover film should not show a family of Indian origin running a city and state in the US in a mafia like hold? I could go on and on, but that would be cruel to a film like Kites. It really does not stand up to such scrutiny. So what is Kites then? Is it a breathless frothy romantic actioner? Is it a desi/bidesi Romancing the Stone or even a slicker Dhoom 2? I really wish that were the case. I wish the film was a fun filled romp that kept me entertained and engaged so I did not have to start analyzing the inane plot and the slow pace.

What are the positives then?

1. Barbara Mori does come out as a surprise, I did not expect acting competence but there is that in decent measure (though her ultra toothy smile got on my nerves after a while).

2. The cinematography was really superb, slick and sophisticated, and world class, We expect that with people like Santosh Sivan and Ravi Chandran, but this was Ayananka Bose, a job well done.

3. Hrithik's FIRE dance sequence starts out very 90s but the spin on his head is gold. Why a Salsa teacher does break dancing in a competition is anyone's guess. He is sincere and tries very hard in the film, so marks for effort.

What does not work at all:

1. The Las Vegas mafia is laughable, and the Reservoir Dogs moment is shoddy. In fact the film lifts many moments from many films, but then you never expect an original product from director Anurag Basu.

2. The chases are interminable and laughable, the one on the big rig is particularly bad, as the cop cars wait for car after car to crash into them, and they never move to the next lane (I am not even going to talk about the oblivious big-rig driver).

3. Hrithik and Barbara chemistry is okayish, but one never warms up to it, as we have no idea why they even fell in love.

4. The villain is laughably bad, and really drags down the film. And I do not mean cult bad in a Mogambo-ish way, but plain bad.

Read more HERE

A grand opera or Kati Patang? KITES!

A film like Kites can really be reviewed at two levels. Is it indeed a crossover film that strikes most of the right notes, or is it mushy 3 penny romance masquerading as a grand opera? The film was two years in the making and came to us carrying HUGE expectations. Hrithik was on an all time high, not having had a misstep since 2002 (Mujhse Dosti Karoge). I think one can discount Main Prem Ki Diwani Hoon (2003) as he also had a mammoth Koi Mil Gaya that year. But the law of averages looks to have finally caught up with him. In an attempt to create a cross-over film, the Roshan combine has created something that is neither chalk nor cheese and is dull and boring into the bargain.

How does one review Kites? Should I talk about the fact that a film that is supposed to be foreign pasta and not desi biriyani, fails to take into account the fact that Las Vegas is a desert and it almost never rains there, that there is no ocean with reefs withing any reasonable radius of the city, the Mexico is FAR FAR away, that it is OK for movies like Singh is KINGG to show Melbourne being run by the Sikh mafia, but a crossover film should not show a family of Indian origin running a city and state in the US in a mafia like hold? I could go on and on, but that would be cruel to a film like Kites. It really does not stand up to such scrutiny. So what is Kites then? Is it a breathless frothy romantic actioner? Is it a desi/bidesi Romancing the Stone or even a slicker Dhoom 2? I really wish that were the case. I wish the film was a fun filled romp that kept me entertained and engaged so I did not have to start analyzing the inane plot and the slow pace.

What are the positives then?

1. Barbara Mori does come out as a surprise, I did not expect acting competence but there is that in decent measure (though her ultra toothy smile got on my nerves after a while).

2. The cinematography was really superb, slick and sophisticated, and world class, We expect that with people like Santosh Sivan and Ravi Chandran, but this was Ayananka Bose, a job well done.

3. Hrithik's FIRE dance sequence starts out very 90s but the spin on his head is gold. Why a Salsa teacher does break dancing in a competition is anyone's guess. He is sincere and tries very hard in the film, so marks for effort.

What does not work at all:

1. The Las Vegas mafia is laughable, and the Reservoir Dogs moment is shoddy. In fact the film lifts many moments from many films, but then you never expect an original product from director Anurag Basu.

2. The chases are interminable and laughable, the one on the big rig is particularly bad, as the cop cars wait for car after car to crash into them, and they never move to the next lane (I am not even going to talk about the oblivious big-rig driver).

3. Hrithik and Barbara chemistry is okayish, but one never warms up to it, as we have no idea why they even fell in love.

4. The villain is laughably bad, and really drags down the film. And I do not mean cult bad in a Mogambo-ish way, but plain bad.

Read more HERE