Five Films Better Than Birth Control

Nothing about these films will make you want to procreate. Ever.

Rosemary's Baby

It happens to every girl: you meet a guy, get married, and next thing you know, he's renting out your woman parts to the Devil. An epidural will be the least of your concerns once you realize you're giving birth to demon spawn. Worse yet, rumors of a Michael Bay-produced remake briefly surfaced in 2008. Just imagine -- all the excruciating pain of Satanic labor, plus explosions.

Junior

Arnold Schwarzenegger plays a gynecologist who's invented an experimental fertility drug too risky to test on women, so he tests it on himself. (This is how clinical research works.) But -- where inside a male body could a fetus grow? Who would grant Arnold a medical degree? And what sane woman would allow Danny DeVito to come at her with a speculum? We have all these questions, and many more.

The Fly/The Fly II

Congrats! Once the contractions and Lamaze are over, it's all Beanie Babies and soccer games from here on out -- unless, of course, you're the proud mother of a bouncing baby larvae. The moral: use contraception, especially during sex with a dude who looks like he might be part fly. The birth, as pictured above, is a dream sequence in the first film. The actual birth opens the sequel, which undergoes a metamorphosis from squishy over-sized maggot into Eric Stoltz.

Dawn of the Dead (2009)

You might be ready to deal with the occasional diaper rash, but no amount of Dr. Spock will prepare you for an undead child. In one early cut of the Dawn of the Dead remake, the newborn killed its own mom in this scene. Kids today, am I right? Check out director Peter Jackson's (yes, that Peter Jackson) splatstick classic Braindead for more zom-baby hijinks:

Knocked Up

But real life can get scarier than any horror movie, especially if your life involves being impregnated by Seth Rogen. The prospect of Rogen as a schlubby, superslacker babydaddy -- and the notorious crowning birth scene -- likely drove theaters of 17-year-olds straight to the condom aisle of their local pharmacy.


LINK

Five Films Better Than Birth Control

Nothing about these films will make you want to procreate. Ever.

Rosemary's Baby

It happens to every girl: you meet a guy, get married, and next thing you know, he's renting out your woman parts to the Devil. An epidural will be the least of your concerns once you realize you're giving birth to demon spawn. Worse yet, rumors of a Michael Bay-produced remake briefly surfaced in 2008. Just imagine -- all the excruciating pain of Satanic labor, plus explosions.

Junior

Arnold Schwarzenegger plays a gynecologist who's invented an experimental fertility drug too risky to test on women, so he tests it on himself. (This is how clinical research works.) But -- where inside a male body could a fetus grow? Who would grant Arnold a medical degree? And what sane woman would allow Danny DeVito to come at her with a speculum? We have all these questions, and many more.

The Fly/The Fly II

Congrats! Once the contractions and Lamaze are over, it's all Beanie Babies and soccer games from here on out -- unless, of course, you're the proud mother of a bouncing baby larvae. The moral: use contraception, especially during sex with a dude who looks like he might be part fly. The birth, as pictured above, is a dream sequence in the first film. The actual birth opens the sequel, which undergoes a metamorphosis from squishy over-sized maggot into Eric Stoltz.

Dawn of the Dead (2009)

You might be ready to deal with the occasional diaper rash, but no amount of Dr. Spock will prepare you for an undead child. In one early cut of the Dawn of the Dead remake, the newborn killed its own mom in this scene. Kids today, am I right? Check out director Peter Jackson's (yes, that Peter Jackson) splatstick classic Braindead for more zom-baby hijinks:

Knocked Up

But real life can get scarier than any horror movie, especially if your life involves being impregnated by Seth Rogen. The prospect of Rogen as a schlubby, superslacker babydaddy -- and the notorious crowning birth scene -- likely drove theaters of 17-year-olds straight to the condom aisle of their local pharmacy.


LINK

The Kid Stays in the Picture! (2002)

This award winning film on the life of the legendary Paramount Pictures producer Robert Evans is a must for those interested in the inner workings of cinema. The film is based on an autobiography by Evans and traces his life from the time he came to Beverly Hills to set up the LA branch of Evan Picone, fashion designers who got women into slacks! At the poolside he was spotted by Norma Shearer, convinced by her to act in a film. He then juggled the clothing business and an acting career for a few years. He was offered an acting gig to play a matador in The Sun Also Rises and put in lots of practice in Mexico. But Hemingway was horrified to hear that a two bit actor would portray a character he had based on himself. A telegram flew from the man, was co-signed by Tyrone Power, and Ava Gardener asking that Evans be fired from the film. But the 20th Century production giant Daryl Zanuck saw his matador act and shouted into his megaphone “No way! The Kid stays in the picture!” Evans was smart enough to know that his acting career was pathetic and going nowhere. He thought he’d rather be the one deciding that the kid could stay in the picture. Thus began the hunt for a product he could sell – he finally found s story and pitched it to 20th provided he could produce it, and got the job. But even before the film could begin he was called to the Big Apple and offered the job of CHIEF of Production at Paramount pictures, a near defunct outfit that was the lowest on the rung of production houses!

The film traces the meteoric rise of Evans as he first identified a riveting story (Rosemary’s Baby), then found a suitable producer (the “Polack” Polanski) and started off on his first production. Roman was a maverick and the film ran into delay after delay. Mia Farrow was to star in a film with Frank Sinatra (and she was then married to him), but she needed to finish Rosemary’s Baby before that. Frank threatened divorce if she did not show up on the appointed date, Mia went into hysterics! Evans then showed her the rushes and convinced her to stay as she “was a shoo in for an Academy Award”. She stayed, was served divorce papers, but the film was completed and turned into a mammoth success. To Mia’s glee it was much bigger than the Sinatra venture that had ended her marriage. The film is peppered with such vignettes and actual footage of these individuals – Mia bouncing off the walls as she hears of Rosemary’s success.

Then Chinatown was made with a unique story and Jack Nicholson in the lead. Jack went to bat for Evans later in life and help him over a tremendously rough patch. Evans was to be associated with such films as Love Story – and to marry Ali McGraw before the filming even began. He also produced Godfather – and talks of the pitched battle with Coppola in the making of that film. The rough cut was 2 hrs long and he recalls telling Coppola to go and turn this trailer into a movie! Their later collaboration on The Cotton Club led to lawsuit where Coppola tried to restrain Evans from “interfering” with the film.

Read more here

The Kid Stays in the Picture! (2002)

This award winning film on the life of the legendary Paramount Pictures producer Robert Evans is a must for those interested in the inner workings of cinema. The film is based on an autobiography by Evans and traces his life from the time he came to Beverly Hills to set up the LA branch of Evan Picone, fashion designers who got women into slacks! At the poolside he was spotted by Norma Shearer, convinced by her to act in a film. He then juggled the clothing business and an acting career for a few years. He was offered an acting gig to play a matador in The Sun Also Rises and put in lots of practice in Mexico. But Hemingway was horrified to hear that a two bit actor would portray a character he had based on himself. A telegram flew from the man, was co-signed by Tyrone Power, and Ava Gardener asking that Evans be fired from the film. But the 20th Century production giant Daryl Zanuck saw his matador act and shouted into his megaphone “No way! The Kid stays in the picture!” Evans was smart enough to know that his acting career was pathetic and going nowhere. He thought he’d rather be the one deciding that the kid could stay in the picture. Thus began the hunt for a product he could sell – he finally found s story and pitched it to 20th provided he could produce it, and got the job. But even before the film could begin he was called to the Big Apple and offered the job of CHIEF of Production at Paramount pictures, a near defunct outfit that was the lowest on the rung of production houses!

The film traces the meteoric rise of Evans as he first identified a riveting story (Rosemary’s Baby), then found a suitable producer (the “Polack” Polanski) and started off on his first production. Roman was a maverick and the film ran into delay after delay. Mia Farrow was to star in a film with Frank Sinatra (and she was then married to him), but she needed to finish Rosemary’s Baby before that. Frank threatened divorce if she did not show up on the appointed date, Mia went into hysterics! Evans then showed her the rushes and convinced her to stay as she “was a shoo in for an Academy Award”. She stayed, was served divorce papers, but the film was completed and turned into a mammoth success. To Mia’s glee it was much bigger than the Sinatra venture that had ended her marriage. The film is peppered with such vignettes and actual footage of these individuals – Mia bouncing off the walls as she hears of Rosemary’s success.

Then Chinatown was made with a unique story and Jack Nicholson in the lead. Jack went to bat for Evans later in life and help him over a tremendously rough patch. Evans was to be associated with such films as Love Story – and to marry Ali McGraw before the filming even began. He also produced Godfather – and talks of the pitched battle with Coppola in the making of that film. The rough cut was 2 hrs long and he recalls telling Coppola to go and turn this trailer into a movie! Their later collaboration on The Cotton Club led to lawsuit where Coppola tried to restrain Evans from “interfering” with the film.

Read more here