Emotional Atyachar review *ing Ranbir Kapoor

Frequently Asked Questions:

First up, what is Emotional Atyachar?  It's not just a song from an Anurag Kashyap film anymore.  It is one of the staples of trashy guilty pleasure television made famous by channels like Bindass and MTV.  For similarly satisfying American trash, refer to The Jersey Shore, one notch above the now defunct Jerry Springer Show.  Think about it this way: if Mad Men is gourmet, Emotional Atyachar is buying a 25 cent bag of Cheetos from a gas station while wearing flip flops.

The premise of the show? A person comes on the show to do a "loyalty test" on their partner.  The show sends their own crew members to flirt with the suspected person and then record it all on hidden cameras. The footage is then shown to the world and a showdown usually occurs at the end. This could be comprised of sobbing, fighting, hitting, spitting, and traditional beat-downs.  This is what we call the "pay-off"- the reason that the audience watches the show. Who doesn't want to see people getting their asses kicked.  I'm in.

Why Ranbir Kapoor you ask? Emotional Atyachar is so popular and famous now that all celebrities make their rounds of it, watch the cheating action, dole out some advice (and secretly enjoy the beat-downs like the rest of India) and promote their films.

Deepika tested Ranbir's loyalty?!  All of us wish this to be true but alas that was not to be. A truly golden opportunity missed. Please send all future suggestions to Deepika Padukone's PR agents. They are slacking.  I don't think the daily interviews dumping on Ranbir are quite doing the trick. They need to try for something more effective and entertaining.  Deepika owes us big time after Housefull as it is. We might begin to forgive her if she pulls off this coup.

Now on to the show.

After the requisite song snippets from Anjaana Anjaani (really? A cheating show to promote a love story? Marketing FAIL), Ranbir appears looking to be a wearing a thick toupee with long sideburns.  He immediately suggests making a film based on this tv show (Picture Amitabh Bachchan doing his trademark "Hain"?) because people need to be made aware these things happen in real life.  Who would know better than Ranbir.  Smirk.


We get introduced to a "masoom ladka" (I'm not making that up. They actually said that!) named Zia (He's a boy, I promise. Desi television has not made it to lesbian cheating yet) talking about his girl Tanya. Some backstory is provided along with happy looking photos. Masoom Ladka is a big pudgy teddy bear and comes wearing a tight purple tee highlighting his stomach rolls.  He talks about how much in love he is and yadda yadda yadda bore who cares.  Masoom Ladka's masoom little bro accompanies him and bets 5000 rupees that possible-future-sis-in-law is a ho.

Ranbir is impressed by the threatening cheating-tracking-equipment like tiny hidden cameras in rigged cars and other locations. He has met his nemesis. I can sense his fear and trepidation by his slightly moving toupee.

The mission to lure Tanya into a trap officially begins and starts off fairly simply. She works hawking cell phones in a mall and so a young undercover agent is sent there to buy a phone from her.  His day job is modeling. You can see where this is going. Model vs. Pudgy Teddy Bear in a Tight Purple Tee.  Who can even blame her? It's worth taking a chance even if there is the possibility of being caught.  Numbers are exchanged and car rides are given in which the guy reveals that he's from Canada and has "business operations" there.  So now this is an NRI Model Businessman if you guys are keeping track.  I think people would be too busy cheering her on for her crafty decisions and desire to succeed in life rather than feeling sorry for the Fat Boy.  It would be a true rags to riches story, a feel-good story for starved Ekta serial watchers.

The moment she hears "Canada" she falls all over him.  Kind of cheap. At least if he said America, it might be understandable; it matters. :-P

By the second or third day of knowing each other, they have already moved passed movie dates and are headed to Nainital for a trip where she insists they should only have one room. Then in the one of the funniest things I've ever seen on tv, she talks about needing to go to the "medical store" to prepare for their night in the same room. ROTFL.  It has to be seen to be believed.

All recorded footage is shown to Masoom Ladka who now begins sobbing big fat tears.  Little bro pumps his fists secretly as he just made 5000 rupees.  Of course, exchanging numbers, movie dates, phone calls, snippets of talks about how much Tanya likes Model's "gora chitta" looks and "pink lips", and plans to go to Nainital are not enough to brand her a cheater.  It would not get high enough TRPs so they actually GO TO NAINITAL and we get to see picturesque shots of boating, horseback riding, walking in the rain and making plans to "do it".   Masoom Ladka sees all this and I don't exactly know what he's saying because all of it's bleeped. It's mostly like "She bleeep bleep is bleep my bleep bleep bleep get bleep bleep her." Little bro is still busy celebrating.

Soon they go to confront her with big cameras this time. They scream and yell at each other, she slaps him, accuses him and all his 5 brother for being after her, calls him a goonda mawali, and tells the whole world she bought good-for-nothing Masoom Ladka the now infamous purple tee as well.  Both of them argue over who is breaking up with whom. Both want credit for doing it first.  Somewhere in-between, the guy also removes the purple tee and throws it on her and reveals his revolting man-boobs.  Come on, one fat Midget in Ghajini was enough! I couldn't even properly enjoy the slaps and yelling after seeing that sight. This is truly Emotional Atyachar for all.