I Watched Dabangg So You Don't Have To

Live PDVD post-midnight watch

*spoiler warning*

Instant Replay:

0:39: Movie opens on two kids. One named Chulbul and one Makkhi.  Chulbul (Junior Salman) thinks he's hated by his stepfather while the other one is loved for being the "real" son. No honey, I'm pretty sure he hates Makkhi too. You don't name your kid a pesky fly for any other reason.

0:41: Dimple appears with blondish-brownish dyed hair in a village, covered with a pallu. 1 point for realism, yo.  She gossips with Chulbul that Makkhi is a retarded kid.

1:18: Continuing the parade of washed-up actors, Vinod Khanna comes on the scene to slap Chulbul for saying he has money to get the retarded Makkhi's kundli read but not his.  This is a step above Rajesh Khanna making a semi-porn film Wafa but I bet Rajesh K. had more fun in his role.  Next time, go for the semi-porn Vinod K.

1:45: Chulbul threatens Makkhi that when he's older, he will beat the shit out of Makkhi and his dad Vinod Khanna, kicks him in the stomach, and then proceeds immediately to shred up the unread kundli. Sentimental music plays.

2:25: A header reads "21 years later." AWW. I was really hoping they should show little Chulbul running and running and aging as he runs. Boo, Kashyap sahab. How can you leave out the trusted 'running kid turning into an adult' scene?  Chulbul is now a moochied-Salman Khan in a khadi cop uniform beating up people. In the midst of a fight, he begins dancing to a song from Wanted and kicks people as he dances. To show us how inventive his imagination is, he also shoots a stream of water from a hose while saying "Ab dho dalunga." Curiously, then comes oil. Oil everywhere, gushing, again used in a genius way. Salman-Chubul uses it as weapon to slip and slide on as he beats up people.  Epic fail, Mr. Director.  The water should have come after the oil, dude.  You could have used it as a way to clean up Salman-Chubul before he emerges.  These things don't matter to our great director. So after the dancing, water hosing, oil gushing fight, Salman-Chulbul comes outside dry and gleaming with a perfect corrupt cop uniform! Point no. 2 for realism.


8:05: Chulbul-Salman shoots a cop in the shoulder for wanting a promotion. Props to the director for quickly establishing how BAD-ASS Chulbul-Salman is. That is for the slow amongst the audience who didn't get it after the dho-daaling fight.

8:40: Shooting someone puts him in the mood to dance again and he rocks his body to Udd Udd Dabangg Dabangg. Even in middle of pulling on his pants as he dances, he slaps someone. I know why. He is BAD-ASS.

11:00: After a day of Udd Udd Dabangg Dabangg, Chulbul Bhai takes rest for the night. In the morning, the rooster crows, and the water has run out of the tanki. Chulbul is mega-pissed and bitches at his step-dad Vinod Khanna.  Vinod K. tells him he has a job too, he can pay to get the tanki filled. I am feeling for Vinod K. here. Dimple glares. And oh, Chulbul kicks Makkhi again and makes him pump water from the well with his hands as Chubul sits and bathes in relaxation.

14:00: Chulbul begins his Robin-hoodgiri and goes to give money to some injured cop in a decrepit hospital.

15:00: Makkhi-Arbaaz wants money and cries when Dimple won't give him Chulbul-Salman's money.  I bet this scene was inspired by the real life Khandaan.  Makkhi puts her through a guilt trip of not acting like a good mother and finally gets some of his brother's money.  I wonder how Arbaaz felt acting this out on screen. Hmm. He then uses the money to go on a date with Mahi Gill and buy her things.  Mahi and Makkhi get interrupted by her father who tells Makkhi to get lost.  Poor Makkhi, always getting dumped on.

21:29: In the midst of another cops and robbers fight, Chulbul lays his eyes on Junior Shotgun, aka, Sonakshi Sinha, who conveniently happened to be backless as she tied her blouse. He falls in love, I presume. He stops for 10 seconds to ask to marry her. And then runs off to fight with goons again. Goons go to Sonu Sood for help. He advises them to run away from Chulbul Salman.

24:26: We are informed that Sonu Sood is The Biggest Villian of the Area. Sonu Sood is displeased. He thinks he looks like a hero. Sorry, Amitabh lookalike, you are only going to get sidey roles.

26:36: Dimple screams and screeches instead of speaking normally. She is highly irritating. Maybe Kiron Kher trained her.

29:00: Makkhi-Arbaaz tells Vinod Khanna he wants to marry Mahi. Vinod threatens to slap him. Rather one-dimensional role, Vinod K. Wake me up when you're through with threatening to slap or actually slapping your kids.  A semi-porn role is looking better and better. Vinod K. wants a dowry for Makkhi's wedding and a love marriage is absolutely no-no.

30:00: There are such stellar parents in this movie. I think Director Sahab might have some childhood issues he needs to work through.  Next parent we meet is Sonakshi Sinha's pa. He is a drunk who she has to chase down and bring home. This time he is lying on railroad tracks drunk and refusing to move.

31:00: Drunken fathers lying on railroad tracks are the perfect occasion for a romantic song. Mast mast Do Nain iz finally here.

36:00: Some sort of political rally with taklu Anupam Kher as some politician giving a speech.

38:00: Makkhi wants to run away with Mahi. Mahi says no, wants Chulbul-Salman to help them.

40:16: Sonakshi's drunk dad gets accused of trying to rape someone. Chulbul-Salman lets him go because his crush thinks drunk daddy is not capable of that.

42:27: Man, another song. This is a bit much. Just a bit. Okay more than bit. Drunk song ends after what seems like 2 hours.

45:33: Makkhi-Arbaaz tries to steal from his own house.  Yep, kind of like Arbaaz "producing" films with Salman. Dimple screams and screeches but then tells him to steal the money. Shows money to Mahi's daddy who is now okay with marriage.

50:00: Chulbul-Salman asks to marry Junior Shotgun again. She says she cannot because she needs to take care of drunken daddy. Chulbul-Salman says he will wait for druken daddy to die! Yes, he is BAD-ASS.

50:11: Sonu Sood, The Biggest Villian of the Area, has informed earlier, comes to Chulbul-Salman's house. He wants his black money that Chulbul-Salman stole from him.  But that money was again stolen by Makki-Arbaaz so there is no money in the house. Sonu Sood is displeased and kills Dimple. This give us two great things. No more screaming and screeching from the Acting School of Kiron Kher and Rakhi Gulzar and the chance to see Salman Khan try to look sad and cry. He makes some kind of scrunching face. He's improving. Props.

53:40: Vinod Khanna is back to say with Dimple dead, Chulbul-Salman is not his son anymore and he should freaking get the hell out now. Vinod K, I hope you get a nice check out of this. This is embarrassing. You didn't even get to slap someone in this scene. Fail.

54:21: Drunk Daddy of Junior Shotgun is back lying on the railroad tracks. Goons arrive and start shooting everywhere with big guns and Salman has another fight scene. Gosh, this is boring.


56:27: Still fighting. In the most disgusting scene of the movie possible, they start fighting amongst urinals in a dirty Indian train station bathroom.  For the sake of Salman and the extras, I hope to god that is a set with some amazingly authentic design. 

INTERVAL. Omg, only half the movie is done. Another hour to go. I deserve to be paid for this review writing service.

57:33: Drunk daddy finally offs himself by jumping off a water tanki. It felt like it took hours.  Now I think Salman should pull up his pants and dance again. He can marry Junior Shotgun now.  Chulbul-Salman is pissed people are sitting and mourning Drunk Daddy and wasting his time. He tells them to get lost so he can marry now. He is BAD-ASS.


1:00:00: Chulbul-Salman and his bride crash Makkhi-Arbaaz and Mahi's shaadi and demand they get married first in the mandap. He is BAD-ASS. Vinod Khanna glares as Chulbul gets married. Makkhi-Arbaaz looks on helplessly. He is a natural at that in real life anyway.  Vinod Khanna tells him he wants to spit on Chulbul-Pandey. The spitting line is the best dialogue Vinod K. had during the whole movie.

1:05:00: Suhaag raat - Junior Shotgun in bright red hooker lipstick. Apt for what's about to happen I suppose.

5 seconds later: Another song, oh please please end already. 41 minutes left. Salman poses as an Arabic man with the headdress in a desert during the song. Who knows why. I have given up trying to figure anything out.

Also during song: Makkhi-Arbaaz bonds with his father Vinod Khanna, who knows why.


1:10:00: Chulbul-Pandey beats up Makkhi-Arbaaz. He should be used to it by now. Chulbul has been beating his ass since they were kids. Some people start screaming "Chulbul murdabad." I suggest "Dabangg murdabad." Vinod Khanna says the most perceptive dialogue of the entire film "Na tum humko pasand karte ho, nah hum tumhein." Gee whiz, if he didn't say it, I wouldn't have known it.

1:13:00: Irritating political nonsense with Anupam Kher in his second scene of the movie. I have fond memories of you having real roles in movies like DDLG, sigh.

1:15:00: Munni is huing badnaam. Who knew I would like Maliaka doing her thing more than anything else in this screwed-up movie. Sonu Sood and Chulbul-Salman do some dialoguebaazi. If you see the details starting to be missed in the review now, it's because I've stopped paying attention. 25 more minutes. I hope last 5-6 minutes are just the credits.

1:24:00: Some huge store-room fire somewhere. Vinod Khanna is now in the hospital as Makkhi-Arbaaz looks on sadly.

1:28:00: Junior Shotgun tells Chulbul-Salman to help his half brother Makkhi.  First help him by giving him a new name.

1:30:00: Bomb blast, people dying, yaada yaada, more political crap, Chulbul-Salman giving press conference.

1:43:00: Skipped 10 minutes, don't think anything worthwhile happened. Chulbul fighting with Sonu Sood now who is ripping shirts, showing oiled muscles, and hurts Salman.  Makkhi-Arbaaz remembers his brother and coming running to him. This makes makes Salman get back up, lots of flashbacks of Dimple-mom getting killed by Sonu.


1:45:00 Salman's shirt flies off magically from his body. Both Salman and Sonu fight bare-bodied in a homoerotic fight to beat all fights. Sweat drips, muscles flex, and Sonu is killed by a tractor.  Chulbul and Makhi ride off into the sunset together literally, brothers forever.  Audience cheers, claps, and dances in the aisles as this piece of crap finally ends. It's a time for jubilation for all and now I finally understand why people cheer and dance in single-screen theaters for Salman movies. They are glad it ended and their life is not being sucked away from them anymore.