Masterchef India review *ing Akshay Kumar

Another day and yet another celebrity show on Indian television.  Masterchef India does however hold one big advantage.  A competitive cooking show has never been seen before and would offer up something new compared to the done to death dance and singing shows, Bigg Boss in it's 4th season, and KBC in what feels like it's 32507835th season.  Akshay Kumar is also not a bad choice to lead such a show considering he does have some connection with cooking, tenuous as it may be. (He cooked in a stall in Bangkok in his pre-fame days.) It still makes him a fitter choice than just about any other Bollywood star. 

The show begins with Akshay in superstar mode, booming voice, sunglasses, and a dapper suit talking about "khwabs" and "inquilabs." A wee bit much when you're going to be witnessing herb sprinkling, spinach tossing, and dainty tastings of culinary dishes but it's par for the course when even TV journalists are loudly shouting and screaming news headlines to offer the masala the audience presumably demands.  Akshay surprises by finishing up his opening speech zippy fast and letting the Narrator Voice of the show explain the nitty-gritty of Masterchef.  Auditions are done in six cities and the visuals are remarkably close to what you would see on Indian Idol; thousands and thousands of people running like a herd of cattle as the doors open.

For a show that's called Masterchef India, all of South India and Eastern India are neglected with the only cities (and obviously with it, their cultures and cuisines) included being Delhi, Lucknow, Mumbai, Indore, Jaipur, and Ahmedabad.  If I don't see mile long dosas being made on this show, I'm going to be extremely upset!

We get to the stage area quickly without much fuss or time wasted and I cannot emphasize how much I want to kiss the producers of this show for not turning this into another celebrity worship show.  No long tributes, no singing, no dancing, no dialoguebaazi, no nothing. It's a miracle! Akshay quickly introduces the two other judges besides himself who just happen to be star chefs from some of India's most celebrated hotels.  No, they haven't squeezed in an Abhishek Bachchan because he cooked dinner once 14.8 years ago or a Minisha Lamba because she's an "expert" in eating out.  Hallelujah, apart from squeezing out half of India, they haven't set one foot wrong so far.  Even the grand prize is quite a tasty one; one crore rupees, a cooking show on Star TV, and the publishing of their very own cookbook.  If there is one major quibble I have, it's that Akshay has spent the entire time on stage explaining the show to the wannabe chefs WHILE WEARING SUNGLASSES.  That act alone denotes one as distant, arrogant and putting up a wall between one and the rest of the world.  This is an unforgivable faux pas as far as I'm concerned.

One hundred contestants in total who've been chosen from those earlier mentioned six cities are now given one hour to cook a dish of their choice for the three judges to taste.  First up is a woman with long Rapunzel type hair almost falling into her food.  I'm shocked and giddy as one of the non-Akshay chefs upbraids her immediately for it and Akshay follows.  The honesty and lack of sappiness is extremely refreshing in comparison to the mutual sucking up that goes on all other celebrity shows. Next the food is tasted and nobody seems pleased; the parathas are too stiff and the food is not good enough for Masterchef.  Wow, I almost feel sorry for this doe-eyed girl.  These judges show so much unexpected candor it's hard not to feel sympathy for the contestants.  Even my cold stony heart is melting but only a little.

Various contestants come and go, some succeed to the next level, some don't. The judge's gruffness continues and as in all reality shows, we get lots and lots of tears when they hear their food is "bandal, bekaar, bilkul bakwaas."  If there is one thing I wish it's for everyone to stop crying incessantly and turning this into a depressing, miserable experience for the viewers which it definitely is not meant to be.  Getting your cooking rejected is not exactly such an important thing to be sobbing your eyes out and when grown men do it, it's absolutely disgusting!

Now that we've taken care of the crying, we get the necessary bitch-fight on the set. A bleach-blonde aunty who is upset that she hasn't been called into the judging room stomps right in and throw a fit. Some screaming and yelling about her number passing by and how much systems "suck" -- yeah, aunty did use the word "suck."  She moans and groans that she made prawns in the morning (in 40 minutes and 400 kg of heart) and now they stink because they didn't even call her in.  Akshay tells her to go make them again and come back to see them in 40 minutes. She refuses and says her heart is finished and they should try the reheated stinky dish!!  Hahaha, she says her dish looks "yuck" but insists they try it.  Finally, she's somehow convinced to go back and redo it.  Come to think of it, this covered both the drama and comedy portion!  The show ends and cuts off a little abruptly but even that is welcome since they've actually managed to finish it up in the designated one hour time limit and haven't expected people to sit on their butts for a whole three hours like the rest of the tedious shows are doing.  If this gets people away from the Kekta serials, I'm all for it, even with the requisite crying and fighting.