Khatron Ke Khiladi Reloaded: Ep. 2

*Episode 2 review*

I never expected to be writing another recap of KKK, no relation to the Ku Klux Klan thankfully. However, by popular demand (that's right, all TWO of you!) I am back to watching so you don't have to.

We begin with a disclaimer that folks watching at home should not replicate the stunts. All ho hum, right? The next line made my eyes nearly pop out. "THE CHANNEL WILL BE LIABLE FOR ANY LOSS OR DAMAGE." So if you go jump out of a helicopter and break a leg you can now sue Colors and make some money. Eat some slugs and get food poisoning? Sue the bastards. Not a bad money-making scheme in this economy. So all you unemployed slobs sitting on your couches drooling over Priyanka, chop chop, get to work. The only people who *don't* deserve work? The morons at Colors who can't even write proper disclaimers. I suppose they would be the same retards green-lighting remakes of horrid American reality shows. They must have been multitasking.

Piggy Chops arrives wearing shorts so short her butt cheeks are nearly hanging out. Eh, same thing she does in the movies or award shows or well, anywhere. She is, after all, using her best ASSet. She announces the stunt which happens to be transferring worms, beetles, cockroaches and other creepy crawlies from a honey-covered rope to a bowl a few feet away. Since I had to been dying to see Rahul Bose eat gross insects, it's no surprise that the universe once again denies me this pleasure. Mr. Bose, oh so manly and muscular, volunteers his cheerleader girl to do the stunt for him!!

Khatron Ke Khiladi dangerous for your brain

*my review*

Bollywood stars begin their annual jaunts to TV and first up on the tube is Priyanka Chopra. In the first of a series of mind-numbing television misadventures still to come (Salman with Big Boss, Akki Kumar with Masterchef, Amitabh Bachchan on KBC.... ), we begin with Khatron Ke Khiladi, the desi version of the slightly less awful Fear Factor. Here a femme fatale replaces the dumb oaf of a comedian otherwise known as Joe Rogan. Yes guys, someone did it before Akshay Kumar, as if you were surprised anyway.

We commence with Priyanka Chopra talking as a quote filched from Franklin D. Roosevelt flashes on the screen - the "only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Well played, Mr. Director. A sprinkling of intellectualism to decorate what is likely to be a pile of garbage, a technique otherwise "perfected" (geddit?) by a certain Aamir Khan.

Off we begin with glamorous shots of Priyanka Chopra walking sexily wearing leather, riding a motorcyle, and shot from far enough away for a stuntwoman to replace her. She then again poses sexily in front of yellow helicopter (!!!) while taking 5.4 seconds to introduce 13 D-listers consisting of television celebs and players of sports nobody cares about like rugby and squash. Next up, 13 random girls are brought on as individual cheerleaders for the men. Way to be sexist, Colors. Eyeroll.

Dhobi Ghat Review

ALL LATEST REVIEWS AND NEWS HERE!!!! 

Dhobi Ghat is the story of 4 characters: Arun, the famous lonely painter (Aamir), Munna, the dhobi who wants to be a star (Prateik), Shai, the banker on a sabbatical in India (Monica) and Yasmin, the recently married Muslim girl who records her life in Mumbai for her brother back home (Kriti). They say that Mumbai is the fifth character in the movie, and if so, I found it to be a silent character, an immovable witness to the harmony and turmoil in which the characters function simultaneously. Much like the aunty in Arun's neighbouring apartment: always there, always seeing everything, but always silent. Not sure if that was a parallel that Kiran had in mind, but it seemed relevant to me.

I Watched Dabangg So You Don't Have To

Live PDVD post-midnight watch

*spoiler warning*

Instant Replay:

0:39: Movie opens on two kids. One named Chulbul and one Makkhi.  Chulbul (Junior Salman) thinks he's hated by his stepfather while the other one is loved for being the "real" son. No honey, I'm pretty sure he hates Makkhi too. You don't name your kid a pesky fly for any other reason.

0:41: Dimple appears with blondish-brownish dyed hair in a village, covered with a pallu. 1 point for realism, yo.  She gossips with Chulbul that Makkhi is a retarded kid.

1:18: Continuing the parade of washed-up actors, Vinod Khanna comes on the scene to slap Chulbul for saying he has money to get the retarded Makkhi's kundli read but not his.  This is a step above Rajesh Khanna making a semi-porn film Wafa but I bet Rajesh K. had more fun in his role.  Next time, go for the semi-porn Vinod K.

1:45: Chulbul threatens Makkhi that when he's older, he will beat the shit out of Makkhi and his dad Vinod Khanna, kicks him in the stomach, and then proceeds immediately to shred up the unread kundli. Sentimental music plays.

2:25: A header reads "21 years later." AWW. I was really hoping they should show little Chulbul running and running and aging as he runs. Boo, Kashyap sahab. How can you leave out the trusted 'running kid turning into an adult' scene?  Chulbul is now a moochied-Salman Khan in a khadi cop uniform beating up people. In the midst of a fight, he begins dancing to a song from Wanted and kicks people as he dances. To show us how inventive his imagination is, he also shoots a stream of water from a hose while saying "Ab dho dalunga." Curiously, then comes oil. Oil everywhere, gushing, again used in a genius way. Salman-Chubul uses it as weapon to slip and slide on as he beats up people.  Epic fail, Mr. Director.  The water should have come after the oil, dude.  You could have used it as a way to clean up Salman-Chubul before he emerges.  These things don't matter to our great director. So after the dancing, water hosing, oil gushing fight, Salman-Chulbul comes outside dry and gleaming with a perfect corrupt cop uniform! Point no. 2 for realism.

Dabangg reviews

Taran Adarsh, Bollywood Hungama: 4.5 stars "full on entertainer"
Abhishek Mande, Rediff: 3 stars "for Salman fans"
Mihir Fadnavis, India.com: 2.5 stars "loudest" "obnoxious" "sexist"
Komal Nahta, Koimoi:  4 stars "routine subject but other plus points"
Gaurav Malani, Indiatimes:  3 stars "no novel storyline"
Aniruddha Guha, DNA:  4 stars "palatable and scrumptious khichdi"
Spice Zee:  4 stars "complete family entertainer"
Anupama Chopra, NDTV:  3 stars "structural mess"
Kaveree Bamzai, India Today:  4 stars "Zandu Balm of a movie"
Sukanya Venkatgharvahan, Filmfare:  3 stars "watch only if you're a Salman fan"
K.K. Rai, Stardust: 3 stars "paisa vasool for the masses"
Blessy Chettiar, DNA: 3.5 stars "clean humor, fab action sequences, innocent love stories, superb dialogue"
Pankaj Shabnani, Glamsham: 2.5 stars "Film disappoints, flimsy and exaggerated" 
Shubhra Gupta, Indian Express:  2.5 stars "cliched"
Anupreet Kaur, Total Filmy: 4 stars "paisa-vasool"
Naresh Kumar Deoshi, Apun Ka Choice: 3.5 stars "watch for Salman"
Mayank Shekhar, Hindustan Times:  3 stars "mad stuff!"
Karthik Pasupulate, Full Hyderabad:  3.75 stars "defying logic"
Khalid Mohammed, PFC:  2 stars "To see? Nahin nahin, kabhi nahin"
Rajeev Masand/IBN: 2.5 stars "Ordinary at best"
Sarita Tanwar, Mid-day: 3 stars "made for Salman Khan fans"
IANS: 2.5 stars "old fashioned vendetta saga"
Sanjukta Sharma/livemint: "Robinhood can't save this" 

Avg. rating - 3.21 stars (70.75/22)

We are Family reviews

Subhash Jha/IBOS:  4 stars

Taran Adarsh/BWHangama: 3.5 stars

Pankaj Sabnani/Glamsham: 3 stars

SpiceZee: 3 stars 

Filmfare/Sukanya Venkatraghavan: 3 stars

Saibal Chatterjee/NDTV: 2.5 stars "lack of depth"

Sonia Chopra/Sify: 2.5 stars "old-fashioned tearjerker"

Renuka Rao/DNA: 2.5 stars "disappointing tearjerker"

Aparajita Ghosh/Apun Ka Choice:  2.5 stars "watch for Kajol, if you must"

Padma Preetham/Total Filmy:  2 stars "grossly sentimental"

Deepa Garimella/Full Hyderabad: 2 stars "not a happy watch"

Mayank Shekhar/Hindustan Times: 2 stars "stunning Kajol, appears superior to Susan Sarandon"

Aniruddha Guha/DNA: 2 stars "watch it only if you're a Kajol fan"

Minty Tejpal/Mumbai Mirror: 1.5 stars "weepy, forced, set-like, poorly translated dialogue" 

Preeti Arora/Rediff: 1 star "don't even watch the trailer"

Khalid Mohammed/PFC:  1 star "Kajol is the saving grace"

Sanjukta Sharma/Livemint: "regressive, boring film"

Nikhat Kazmi/Times of India:  "watch it for the all-woman show"

Shilpa Jamkhandikar/Reuters Blog: "pretty but shallow"

Upperstall "it’s entirely possible that WAF is the result of outtakes of other Dharma films and basic Photoshop tools. No, wait. That’d require creativity and talent."

Avg rating: 2.37 stars (38/16)

We are Hacks

DHARMA PRODUCTIONS OFFICE

CIRCA 2009

While designing men’s fashion, hosting TV shows, and throwing parties, KARAN JOHAR had a few hours extra one day when despite frequent calls and texts to SRK, he remained uninvited to Mannat.

He had the brilliant idea to use this bonus time wisely and summoned a lackey.  Appeared SIDDHARTH MALHOTRA-

SID: You called, Sir?

KJo: Sid, it’s time for Dharma to venture out. To make an impact on the world. To show what we’re made of. We at Dharma are always forging ahead.

SID: You are right, KJo. Your MNIK is going to save Islam. You are the finest director in India. You are also the best dressed and you are also thin now.

KJo: That is true. My time is very valuable indeed. That is why you should make our next film for us. I will only produce.

JOHAR and MALHOTRA excitedly begin a brainstorming session. Suddenly MALHOTRA has a light bulb blink in his head-

SID: I’ve got it. I know what’s next. After loving your family, loving gays, loving others’ wives, we will take the next illustrious step, loving your souten. Voila.

KJo: You make me proud. You have learned well. Let’s get to work.

SID: Let’s make both women live together.

KJo: How is that possible? We only want realistic, subtle stories here at Dharma. Okay, let’s give one of them cancer. The other one can move in to help her.

SID: By golly, you are a genius, KJo. How did you come up with something so amazing?

KJo: I have been thinking of this for 20 years, Sid.

SID: But now I recall seeing something like this before. I can’t remember exactly. Oh yeah, there is that Hollywood movie Stepmom!

KJo: * GASP *

Sticks to Hello Darling

Lafangey Parindey reviews

Khalid Mohammed, PFC: 1 star ("as original as a half a dozen xerox copies")
Noyon Jyoti Parasara, AOL Bollywood: 3 stars ("sweet love story")
Indiaglitz: 3 stars ("go if you don't have anything more important")
Saibal Chatterjee, NDTV: 3 stars ("soars just high enough")
Taran Adarsh, Bollywood Hungama: 3 stars ("decent watch")
Sonia Chopra, Sify: 3 stars ("immersing, sensitive story")
Angel Rani, Deccan Herald: "average"
Deccan Chronicle: 3 stars ("warm, decent, wholesome")
Sukanya Venkatraghavan, Filmfare Magazine: 3 stars ("sweet love story")
Rajeev Masand, CNN IBN: 2 stars ("pointless, boring film")
Nikhat Kazmi, Times of India: 3 stars ("pleasant viewing")
Komal Nahta, Koimoi: 1.5 stars ("fails to touch the heart. Loser")
Shubhra Gupta, Indian Express: 2 stars ("strictly passable")
Sanjukta Sharma, Livemint: "long, boring, poorly-performed romance"
Renuka Vyavahare, Indiatimes: 3 stars ("YRF finally gets it right")
Vinod Mirani, Indian Television: "routine script, lackluster direction"
Mayank Shekhar, Hindustan Times: 1.5 stars ("scatter-brained mishmash")
Yashika Kapoor, Total Filmy: 2 stars ("yawnful")
Pankaj Sabnani, Glamsham: 2.5 stars ("feeble script")
Aniruddha Guha, DNA: 3 stars ("paisa vasool")
Kaveree Bamzai, India Today: 1.5 stars ("straight to the dvd pile")
Naresh Kumar Deoshi, Apun Ka Choice: 2 stars ("lulling the audience to sleep")
K.K. Rai, Stardust Magazine: "below average flick"
Sukanya Verma, Rediff: 2 stars ("superficial")
Shilpa Jamkhandikar, Reuters Blog: "worst cast ever"
Blessy Chettiar, DNA: 3 stars ("showcases Mumbai's spirt")
SpiceZee: 2 stars ("all style, no substance")
Mihir Fadnavis, India.com: 0.5 stars ("bracingly inept and uninteresting")

Avg. rating - 2.3 stars

Peepli Live reviews updated

INDIAN REVIEWS

Minty Tejpal, Mumbai Mirror: 3.5 stars
Blessy Chettiar, DNA: 3 stars
Faridoon Shahryar:: "a film that happens very rarely"
Mayank Shekhar, HT: 4 stars
Pankaj Sabnana, Glamsham: 4.5 stars
Annirudha Guha, DNA:: 3.5 stars
Nikhat Kazmi, TOI: 3.5 stars
Saibal Chatterji, NDTV: 4 stars
Taran Adarsh, Bollywood Hungama: 4.5 stars
Mithila Gupta, News Hits:: "Makes us feel enriched and entertained"

OTHER REVIEWS

Gary Goldstein, LA Times: "succeeds more often than not"
Janos Gereben: San Francisco Examiner: 3 stars
G. Allen Johnson, San Francisco Chronicle: "can't escape certain predictability to Westerners"
Rachel Saltz, NY Times: "after a compelling setup her [Rizvi's] script runs out of juice"
Rob Nelson, Variety: "peppy screwball comedy"
David D'Arcy, Screen Daily: "bawdy take on the rural class struggle"
Kirk Honeycutt, Hollywood Reporter: "both funny and sobering"
Aaron Hillis, LA Weekly: "unusual taste of mainstream Indian cinema"

Andrew Schenker, Slant Magazine:  2.5 stars
Michelle Oranje, Movie Line: "Rizvi is unable to commit to (or pull off) pitch-black satire"

Avg. rating: 3.6 stars (36)

Roger Ebert: Eat pray love

Elizabeth Gilbert's book "Eat, Pray, Love," unread by me, spent 150 weeks on the New York Times best seller list and is by some accounts a good one. It is also movie material, concerning as it does a tall blond (Gilbert) who ditches a failing marriage and a disastrous love affair to spend a year living in Italy, India and Bali seeking to find the balance of body, mind and spirit.

During this journey, great-looking men are platooned at her, and a wise man, who has to be reminded who she is, remembers instantly, although what he remembers is only what she's just told him.

Aisha reviews!

Deccan Chronicle: 4 stars
Mayank Shekhar, Hindustan Times:  1.5 stars
Aparajita Ghosh, Apun Ka Choice: 2.5 stars
Deepa Garimella, Full Hyderabad:  4 stars
Sanjukta Sharma, Livemint: no star rating provided ("pretty picture, bad film")
Rajeev Masand, CNNibn: 2 stars
Deccan Herald:  no star rating provided ("fashionable chick flick")
Subhash K. Jha, Bollywood Hungama: no star rating provided ("engaging and endearing")
Pankaj Sabnani, Glamsham: 2 stars
Komal Nahta, Koimoi: 1.5 stars
Spice Zee: 4 stars
Sukanya Venkatraghavan, Filmfare Magazine:  3 stars
V Love Movies: no star rating provided ("frothy")
K.K. Rai, Stardust Magazine: 3 stars
Shilpa Jamkhandikar, Reuters Blog:  no star rating provided ("very pretty, very shallow")
Sukanya Verma, Rediff: 3 stars
Aniruddha Guha, DNA:  2.5 stars
Sonia Chopra, Sify: 3.5 stars
Mihir Fadnavis, India.com: 3 stars
Blessy Chettiar, DNA: 2.5 stars
Nikhat Kazmi, Times of India: 4 stars
Taran Adarsh, Bollywood Hungama: 3.5 stars

Avg: 2.91 stars

(scroll down for full reviews)

Peepli Live reviews

Peepli Live
Aniruddh Chawla

Aamir Khan’s mastery of the art and business of films is by now well documented (Lagaan, 3 Idiots, Taare Zameen Par). Khan is only a handful of power players in Hindi films with enough chutzpah to even attempt transforming a tiny, off-beat home production into a Big Tent event, something worthy of screening at, say, the Sundance Film Festival where, incidentally, his production Peepli [Live] was well received. Peepli Live, with good help from newbie filmmakers Rizvi and Farooqui, successfully shepherds an astounding camel of a black comedy through the pinhole of a powerful social agenda.

Set in the namesake poor farming hamlet of Peepli, the plot features destitute brothers Nathia (Das) and Budhia (Yadav), who settle on a highly unusual way to enrich themselves so they can reclaim their land schemed away by a robber land baron. Learning of half-baked rural legend about the Indian government paying a mini fortune to the families of farmers who commit suicide, the two brothers, utterly desperate, decide that one of them, Nathia to be precise, should do himself in so the surviving family, including his wife Dhaniya (Vatsa), can inherit the reward. Nathia’s morbid plan leaks out and soon ignites a media firestorm. Every media outlet wants to capture Nathia’s demise on live TV. Suddenly, the sleepy village of Peepli becomes Peepli [Live] and Nathia and Budhia’s lives are turned upside down.