Bigg Boss 4 review *ing Salman Khan

Another year, another round of the deliberately incorrectly spelled Bigg Boss. Indian entertainment - helping to ruin English one show and film at a time. They won't be satisfied until they make everyone illiterate.

The show opens with Salman posing nearby a small plane eerily like Donald "comb-over" Trump in The Apprentice. Next up is Salman riding a motorcycle (hoping to capture some Khatron Ke Khiladi viewers? If there were any left by the end, that is. ) and doing his best superstar act.  What this has to do with people trapped in a house I haven't figure out yet and am likely not to before it finishes either.  Oh sweat, now comes a helicopter! Once the chopper business is through, Salman rides an old fashioned bicycle and doesn't forget to roll his sleeves up to his shoulders to show his biceps of course.  I don't know what's going on but I feel good in knowing Salman probably has no clue either.

He finally (finally!!) gets to his destination though I'm a bit cross he missed out on using the great Indian railways. And oh, cruise ships. They should have been included.  Mamata Banarjee should sue him for ill treatment on behalf of the trains and get some free PR out of this.  Sallu begins his tour of the house but as an aside, let me point out he is wearing a pink tee that says "I just want to take a pic so please don't SMILE!!" Hain? Wittiness FAIL.  As if that alone wasn't enough, one of his first lines is that the house is looking "happy happy" on the outside but will be "sad sad" inside. Groan, this is going to be a long night.  Want more? Here's another Sallu gem, "The family that eats together cheats together." (Someone inform Karan Johar; he can improve We are Family. )

During his cheesy tour, it's revealed that this time the men and women will all sleep in the same room and on double beds attempting to maybe equal the sleaze levels of MTV and Bindass.  In honor of the Jersey Shore, this room will henceforth be known as the smoosh room. (For those of you haven't seen the Jersey Shore, it's the absolute epitome of trashy television and completely delicious!) Sometime during the tour, Salman also comes up incredibly close to the camera and then... kisses it. Yep, plants a wet one and then wipes it off.  For once, I am glad I am watching on my faithful youtube and not HD television though I know what screencaps are going to be made by salmankhan.net this morning. Continuing on with Salman's prize quotes, we get "Oh blimey!"After mastering the American accent, he plans on moving to a British one.

There is one room called the "the delights room" which looks to have a erm..big bed and the walls are made of glass.  Salman refuses to explain.  I don't want to to know, I don't want to know, I don't want to know. 

Moving to the stage area and audience, Salman starts his usual ludicrous dance routine to Dabangg Dabangg. It's more like an elephant stomping than dancing (for similar, see Sunny Deol dancing to Yaara O Yaara ).

A girl comes and dances to "mehbooba mehbooba" and sorry but I don't know who she is. Salman promptly teaches her something way better, the special pulling-up-his-pants-dance he does in Dabangg. She is contestant no.1 and I will leave it up to you guys to figure out who on earth she is.

Contestant no.2 is introduced as Kasab's lawyer.  I feel like I should be offended but yawwwn.

Some random woman comes out dancing in a tiny skirt and exposing her navel to "Tu Saala Kaam Se Gaya" She's a little flabby to be wearing such a thing, very honestly.  Sambhavna Seth follows and begins one of her sleazy dances.  These people are purely there to extend the show beyond tolerable time limits and squeeze some more ads in to profit the channel.

Contestant No.3 appears after the unwanted interruption of item girls selling their wares.  It's the chubby boyfriend of 80's actress Neelam, aka Sameer Soni. This is his attempt to be known as something more than Neelam's boyfriend. I'm not sure ex-Bigg Boss roommate is any better.

Contestant No.4, a female daaku from where else but UP, comes in wearing a turban.  She's robbed villages, looted people, hidden in jungles, killed people.... As an explanation she says "when a dushman comes in front of you, you have to shoot him." Instead of horrified faces, the audience cheers and screams in her support.  So these are our fellow viewers. This is more scary than the Bandit Queen herself.

Female daaku goes into the house and explains she is a daaku and has like 36 cases against her. Haha, it's worth it just to see the other housemates look like they're about to vomit.

Good lord, we have another yet another tedious song and dance spectacle to introduce the next contestant.  That's 5 down and 8 more to go! Please start praying they ALL don't feel the need to sing and dance to unrelated film numbers that have nothing to do with them to introduce themselves. Compared to this, even Salman's prize winners like "haste haste jao, rote rote aao" are beginning to sound award worthy.  It turns out no. 5 is Ashmit Patel. Is that Amisha Patel's even lesser known brother? I will have to ponder this.

At No.6, we have our first sari clad woman and oops, she immediately begins dancing in the middle of several shirtless chip 'n dale dancers. The shocks never end as she informs us she is a "buy one, get one free" offer, aka a tranny! Sheesh.

Colors' channel's fascination for motorcycles is unending it seems (see Piggy Chops, Motorcycle Babe).  Out comes No.7, some girl from some other reality show called Splitsvilla.  Thankfully she is gone pretty fast.  No.8 is another criminal, this one with 500 cases against him, and has the inappropriately innocent name Bunty.

As if 13 contestants singing and dancing weren't enough, we have yet more C-listers for no reason coming to dance and waste even more time.  Salman Khan is really earning his paycheck here.  You have to have the patience of an enlightened yogi to get through this process and emerge unscathed.

If you're counting, we still have 5 more to go and I just realized I really should be paid for this review service.  No.9 is Mahesh Bhatt's son and Pooja Bhatt's brother but known more for his connection to David Headley.  His dream in life is to be Salman's bodyguard; dil hi chota sa, choti si asha.  In the house, he immediately searches out Kasab's lawyer and starts pumping him for future help.  FYI, this doesn't help you look innocent, Bhatt Jr. 

Then begins our 157804023th dance sequence of the episode and everything is starting to blend together now and getting difficult to differentiate one item girl from the next.  Item girl aka No.10 is also someone I don't recognize.  After floating names like Rajesh Khanna, Jackie Shroff and Pamela Anderson, these are the nobodies Colors has managed to land.  Way to get people excited and then make them crash down to the ground, Colors. Bravo for a job well done! Item girl No. 11 also comes and goes inside after some flirting with Salman.  Oh well, it's okay, he's single now anyway.  Katrina Kaif can breathe a sigh of relief that she won't have to watch Bigg Boss to support him.  In fact, I bet this is the reason for the break-up. (Mwahahah Mumbai Mirror, I have scooped you.)  I would break up with Salman too if I had to watch this show everyday.

No.11 walks in and Ashmit Patel already begins putting the moves on her.  This is more of what you're in for.  Just a warning.

No.12, random model, so random even Salman can't remember his name.  This is the level of fame of the current 13 they have rounded up, just sayin'.  Who wants to watch this. Fie. I demand superstar Rakhi Sawant to brighten up surroundings.  If there is a wild card entry, I vote for Rakhi.  And finally, unlucky 13 is here and I am feeling thrilled that this is about to end soon.  As usual, some item girl type comes out and dances provocatively for the dirty old men watching at home before she's locked in the house.  Colors gets a big fat FAIL for finding people almost nobody knows or cares one whit about.

After the last victim goes into the house, we STILL HAVE MORE THAN HALF HOUR TO GO.  They have got to be kidding me. This is intolerable cruelty.  What the fish- the "coming soon" part threatens even more dance performances.  After a half more hour of useless nautanki, including a Raakhi Hui Badnaam performance by the Superstar herself, we are close to the end of this marathon TV episode lasting longer than a 3 hour film.  Salman locks them in and going by the fact nobody knows and cares about them, they can be locked in there forever and nobody will go looking for them.